Conversation between inspector and homeowner:

“I think you’ve got termites. I’ll get an expert out to test.”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. What? No!”

“You’ve got to test early and often for these little chompers to keep ’em from spreading.”

“My house doesn’t have termites. It’s big, beautiful. Tremendous. Best house anywhere, ever.”

“Termites don’t care. They infect nice houses too. Test now, save the house.”

“Wait. What did you see, exactly?”

“Unmistakable termite signs, north side.”

“That figures.”

“Huh?”

“The neighbors on that side are haters and hoaxers. Not like the other neighbors. They like me. Good people.”

“Not really relevant. Termites don’t know your neighbors. They eat wood, and they might be all over your house. We won’t know till experts test.”

“Summer’s coming. That’ll kill ’em. S-o-o-o beautiful. No more termites.”

“No. It won’t.”

“And if we find more, my house won’t be the best ever anymore.”

“We really should test, then mitigate.”

“No. My gut is smarter. I’ll put a sign out front: ‘Best House Ever.’ Then we’ll be great again.”

“Really not the right approach.”

“You’re fired.”