What if Democrats were dog people and Republicans favored cats? The shouting, preening, conniving, lying, hyperventilating and pretending in Washington, D.C., might sound like this:

Dems: Your cat killed birds. And buried its prey. Coverup!

Repubs: W-h-a-a-h? What birds? No dead birds here. Your dog digs. Digger!

Dems: Your cat killed birds. He’s lying, selfish scum. We’re breaking out shovelpoenas to dig up the back yard. Critter Nation is going to hell. Coverup!

Repubs: What birds? Your dog is the real scum, a corrupt and drooling furball. Our cat wanted to stop its shady backyard deals. Critter Nation is great again. Your dog digs. Digger!

Dems: Your cat killed birds. Critter Nation is going to hell and will see through your lies. Your cat killed birds to hurt our dog. More shovelpoenas coming. Coverup!

Repubs: What birds? Our cat called into Coyote and Friends just now. He said ignore the dog people. Critter Nation loves our cat, because Critter Nation is great again. Your dog digs. Digger!

Dems: Your cat killed birds.

Repubs: Your dog digs.

Dems: Coverup!

Repubs: Digger!