Don't Tell the IRS

Facebook has sold my keystrokes and clicks for 18 years. Now it’s finally paid me.

Not that it wanted to. I got a piece of Facebook’s $725 million payment to settle a class-action lawsuit alleging it had let third-party companies mine user data without consent to profile voters.

My journey to Facebook wealth started in 2023. I got a lawyerly email saying I was entitled to part of the settlement.

I completed an online form in about 60 seconds – and soon forgot about my coming windfall.

Then last month, I got another email with instructions for claiming my cash.

“Woohoo!” I thought. “Riches!”

And, neener neener, I now have a digital debit card with my fortune:

$37.75.

That’s four cartons of eggs. Or a partial tank of gas.

Shhhh! Don’t tell the IRS.

Even better than the cash was the ego boost. Payments were based on when users joined Facebook, for an average of $29.43. My early signup date, in August 2007, earned me a bigger payout.

I’ve always wanted to be above average. Now I am – by exactly $8.32.