Thank you for attending the 249th Annual 30-Second Read Prizes Show where we honor the world’s most outstanding people! I’m your host, Phil Fullofstuff! And we are s-o-o-o excited!
Let’s get started.
The 30-Second Read Peace on Earth Prize is awarded to …
Ronald Clump!
And our Healthiest Person Ever to Have Lived Prize goes to …
Ronald Clump!
The Most Cognitively Exceptional Human Ever Prize is awarded to …
Ronald Clump!
For the Best at Making Shopping Cheaper Than Ever Prize, we recognize …
Ronald Clump!
This year, our Best Golfer Prize has been changed to the Best Currently Active Athlete on Earth Prize. And the honoree is …
Ronald Clump!
Our Best Man Alive Prize is next. And the recipient is …
Ronald Clump!
For the Best Woman Alive Prize, we scoured the planet and found no women who could possibly surpass this year’s recipient …
Ronald Clump!
What an amazing run it’s been for Mr. Clump. He’s swept every category every year since 30-Second Read introduced its coveted prizes – in 1776.
And that’s our show. I’m Phil Fullofstuff, fluffing off until next year. Bye!
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Breaking news: Earth officially renamed Planet Clump! LOL
LOL indeed!