EXECUTIVE ORDER NO. 27,694

TO: Patricia Solimene, director, U.S. Bureau of Engraving and Currency

FROM: Jeff Gauger, Very Important Person

RE: $100 Bill

I’ve made a Very Important Decision. As a Very Important Person, I make many Very Important Decisions. You’ll implement my latest.

I’m grateful for your help, although you really should thank me for this opportunity to acknowledge my Very Important Personness. You’re welcome!

Here’s what you’ll do: put my face on the next batch of $100 bills printed by the Bureau of Engraving and Currency.

You’ll dump Benjamin Franklin from the C-note and put me there. I’ve supplied a handy mockup.

I know ol’ Benji F. was a founding father and was, in his day, a Very, Very Important Person.

Well, la-dee-dah-dee-dah. That was ages ago. His Very Importantness has grown musty.

Plus, as you know, our dear president whose name already adorns buildings, apparel and loads of tchotchkes will soon get his signature on U.S. dollars.

Jeez. It’s my turn.

I expect you to make completing this task a Very Important Priority. An eager nation awaits.

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