Glenn for speaker of the U.S. House

I rise, Madam Clerk, to nominate a candidate to serve as speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives.

Thank you for recognizing me. I’ll be brief. We’re all grumpy and tired. I know I am.

Let’s recap. Through multiple votes, the Blues snickered and speechified and stuck together. The Reds squawked and speechified and stuck together. The little band of “Lookee! Lookee! Lookee!” Reds swaggered and speechified and stuck it to ’em all.

And still no speaker.

Insanity has a name and stubbornness its mascot. And both are us. All 435 of us – duly elected but, until we choose a speaker, still officially unemployed. Insane and stubborn.

So, let’s end this silliness. Let’s coalesce around one truly electable candidate.

I know such a candidate. He is sufficiently bland and guileless to attract crossover votes from Blues. He expresses no convictions – like the candidate the Reds have repeatedly put forward. And he likes to clean things, which appeals to the “Lookee! Lookee! Lookee!” Reds.

I refer, my fellow representatives-elect, to Glenn.

My toothbrush.

For sane and sensible leadership, I nominate Glenn.